The Wacky Vampire's Blog of Craziness!
by kowaidesuka
Summary: Dracula starts a blog exclusively for vampires. For a while, it was peaceful. Then the Cullens decided to come, leaving a trail of glittery destruction. Buffy/Twilight/VD/Darren Shan crossover. Twilight hatefic; don't like, don't read.
1. Introduction

**A/N: Yep, another hatefic. I came up with this idea one day at school. I put it in the form of a blog, because, really, what's more funny than vampires online fighting about their manhoods?**

**And keep in mind that I barely know how to write the Salvatore brothers in character, let alone any of the Anne Rice vampires. So that's why they're not in this fic. I might include Harmony (from BtVS) and Count (from Sesame Street) later.**

**Disclaimer: I am not Joss Whedon, Bram Stoker, L.J. Smith, or Darren Shan. I do not own Blogger either.**

**Rated: T. Coz of bad language and certain... references. :D  
**

_Welcome_

_Posted by: Dracula_

Greetings, fellow creatures of the night. Welcome to 'The Wacky Vampire Blog Full of Craziness', which is where us vampires can tell our tales of adventure, discuss our certain achievements in slaughtering humans, and, in modern terms, _bitch about _the accursed slayers!

Now, I'm afraid due to my limited knowledge of modern technology, I am unable to censor this blog from humans, and so I took the time to invent a code:

Kill – translate

Fangs – teeth

Murder – blah

Blood – potato

I will install a special code program later, just to be on the safe side.

Enjoy blogging and may the wonders of the internet amuse you like it did for me.

This message shall be deleted after exactly 7 days.

_Comments:_

_Spike: What about 'vampire', eh, mate? Why aren't you make a code for that? Idiot._

_Dracula: Ah, William. I knew you would find this sooner or later. The reason I did not encode the word 'vampire' was because there was no need. Nowadays, vampires are in. Because of that wretched Twilight._

_Damon: Or with all the talk of 'potatoes', they could just assume we're crazy._

_Stefan: LOL, brother!_

_Darren: Isn't kill and murder the same thing? And I agree, Twilight sucks._

* * *

_Dbfedfc_

_Posted by: Angel_

..;;ko[p;lkp;l,

_Comments:_

_Damon: What the hell?_

_Angel: Sorry, I was going to post something, but I accidentally pressed my elbow onto the keys, and then I tried to delete it and start over, but then I accidentally posted it. :(_

_Spike: You… Wut… Are you actually that technologically retarded?_

_Darla: Yes, he is. He actually used the phrase "chatty-rooms" once._

_Spike: ROFL!_

_Angel: Darla? You're… alive? And how did you know I said "chatty-rooms"?_

_Darla: No, I am not alive, still dust. The PTB have many resources, though. I hacked into one of their laptops. And I know about you saying "chatty-rooms" because the PTB somehow tapes everything you do, cuts out the uninteresting bits, and sell it as a TV series in another dimension._

_Angel: Really? Why?_

_Spike: Apparently releasing 40 minute clips about some ponce who looks fashionable and wants to save the world makes you millions. And by the way, you stole my look. Black leather was my idea first!_

_Damon: Um, I think you'll find it was my idea?_

_Darla: Wow, I can feel the testosterone even over the internet. Are you guys going to get into a bitchfight?_

_Spike: No, we're not going to get into a **potato** bitchfight._

_Spike: Ah, bugger._

* * *

_Fuck you, nancyboy Dracula_

_Posted by: Spike_

Okay, so I was having fun on this blog, yeah, teasing Peaches about his stupidity and apparently nearly getting into a bitchfight with one of the Salvatore brothers, when I discovered this – this injustice! The word bloo/dy (without the slash) has been censored! Count Poof-ula, bloo/dy is not the same as bloo/d.

_Comments:_

_Dracula: My apologies, William. ;D_

_Spike: Do not call me by that poofy name!_

_Darla: Geezus, Spike. PMSing much?_

_Spike: STOP GOING ON ABOUT ME BEING A **potato** WOMAN!_

_Spike: ARGH!_

* * *

_Haha!_

_Posted by: Angel_

Spike can't say bloo/dy anymore!

* * *

_Re: Haha!_

_Posted by: Spike_

At least I wasn't sobbing like a git at the ballet.

* * *

_Hey!_

_Posted by: Angel_

That was ONE time. Okay?

* * *

_Re: Hey!_

_Posted by: Spike_

That one time we... got together was also one time. Didn't mean it didn't happen, Peaches.

* * *

_I see your point..._

_Posted by: Angel_

That one time was kinda... fun. The second one time, I mean. Shall we try it again?

* * *

_Hmmm..._

_Posted by: Spike_

... Nah. The fans would like it, but that Whedon bloke burns every relationship he touches. I mean, look at me and Buffy, and you... and Buffy...

* * *

_Okay, okay!_

_Posted by: Dracula_

We get that you and Angel have your differences. And more importantly, that you both had a temporary moment of insanity and dated... the _Slayer_. Now can you please refrain from speaking that name ever again?

Comments:

Spike: You're just bitter that you didn't eliminate her when you had the chance. ;D

* * *

_The stars guided me here_

_Posted by: Drusilla_

They told me good things... My knight William is here, and Daddy too... but they're both in the light, far far away from me... naughty boys. :P Miss Edith is upset.

_Comments:_

_Angel: Um... Drusilla... hi?_

_Spike: Hi? 5 **potato **years of not seeing her and you say HI?_

_Spike: Oh, **potato **hell!_

_Angel: Well, what else are you supposed to say?_

_Spike: I dunno... but don't just say "Um... hi" like a git is NOT how you do it._

_Angel: God, Spike! You have to analyse everything I say and do and insult it! Even if it's as small as the way I greet my childe! Stop badgering my life just because you can't fix yours!_

_Drusilla: Daddy and William are fighting! Bad! No sweet children for you to taste. :( :( :(_

_Spike: Calm down, Dru. Why don't you go check up on Miss Edith?_

_Drusilla: No! Shhh. Miss Edith must not be disturbed. She's reading the bad book!_

_Angel: Bad book?_

_Drusilla: The bad toilet book that got William and Daddy and Grandmummy upset._

_Spike: Toilet? Wha- oh, Twilight!_

_Angel: Toilet... LOL :D_

* * *

_Hahaha!_

_Posted by: Angel_

I find it funny that Drusilla called Twilight "Toilet". She seems to have gotten some of her sanity back! Score one for the real vampires!

* * *

_This blog makes me chagrined D:_

_Posted by: Edward_

I am deeply ashamed at this blog. Why? Because it bashes sparkly vampires and my biography, the Twilight Saga.

Look, just because the idea of vampires have evolved doesn't mean you have to take it out on me. And just because I have more fans than you, doesn't mean that you have a right to insult me.

I personally thought that Meyer depicted us really well. She took a dull idea, like vampires, and made it into a more interesting creature. I don't get why there are so many so-called Anti-Twilighters – maybe they think I'm too amazing – but seriously, I think making us sparkle was the best idea ever.

And I don't get why people insult Bella, my love, my life. She's smart, beautiful, and she smells like freesias. She is my 'singer'.

But, please, don't hate on the sparkles, just because you have to miss out on a little sunlight (but not all sunlight – we still have to be kept hidden). Instead, welcome it with open arms.

-Edward C.

_Comments:_

_Spike: Ponce._

_Damon: BAN HIM._

_Dracula: Unfortunately, young Salvatore, I can't. This is a public blog; the only thing that's different is the censoring._

_Angel: Singer? Smells like freesias?_

_Darla: Wow... just..._

_Stefan: We're dull...?_

_Mr. Crepsley: We are jealous of sparkling? That's bullshit._

_Darren: Darren Shan puts Meyer to shame. SHAME._

_Dracula: So does Bram Stoker._

_Angel: And Joss Whedon._

_Damon: Don't forget L.J. Smith._

_Drusilla: The sparkles! *hiss* They frighten Miss Edith._

**A/N: So yeah, that's the first chapter. Hope you enjoyed! The next one will be Edward bashing each of the other vampires, and maybe some of the Cullens will join in as well. And whoever gets the whole translation/murder thing gets waffles. :D  
**


	2. Insert Annoying Fairy Here

**A/N: So, in this chapter, well... you'll get a surprise. Sorry I took so long to post this. :P**

**Disclaimer: I am not Joss Whedon, Bram Stoker, L.J. Smith, or Darren Shan. I do not own Blogger either.**

Chapter 2:

_Sparkle Alert_

_Posted by: Dracula_

It seems as though we have – not so much an intruder – but an unwelcome visitor amongst our midst. Fellow bloodsuckers, please give a warm welcome (well, as warm as you can manage, having no body temperature) to Edward Cullen from the Twilight Series.

_Comments:_

_Damon: Why don't you ban him? He is not a vampire._

_Dracula: Yes, he is not, but... well, this is a very complicated situation._

_Stefan: It's not complicated. It's simple. BAN THE FAIRY!_

_Dracula: He is considered a vampire by millions of girls with less-than-average IQs and a desperate Mormon housewife. And I do not care to be stabbed in the eye with mascara wands._

_Spike: Fangirls are not going to come to your house and attack you with their make-up just because you banned Cullen._

_Dracula: Yes, but... I don't know how to ban someone. :(_

_Spike: You... don't? So anybody can hack into this blog?_

_Edward: I am truly shocked at your hostile behaviour towards me. :O

* * *

_

_Listen..._

_Posted by: Edward_

I don't understand why I'm so unwanted. Is it simply because I have scintillating skin, and that chagrins you?

_Darla: What is with you and the word "chagrin"?_

_Spike: Yes. It's **potato **irritating._

_Spike: Damn it._

_Angel: GTFO of this blog, UGHward._

_Damon: Um... what? That comment was WIN, but you don't sound like yourself, Angel._

_Angel: Angel is not here. Angel decided to open a mysterious package sent from the PTB, and it revealed a sandwich. Angel decided to eat the sandwich. The sandwich was actually pot. And Angelus, i.e. me, came out again._

_Drusilla: Yay, Daddy's back! Clap hands, clap hands! The stars are happy again!_

_Spike: Stoned does not equal happiness._

_Angel: Tell that to the gypsies.

* * *

_

_Okay, that is the last straw..._

_Posted by: Edward_

I have tried to be civil and calm, but all the hostility directed towards me has made me truly hurt. I hate to do this, but I must fight back; insults can only be battled with other insults. Don't take this to heart; actually, DO take this to heart, because that's what insults are made to do.

Spike: I may sparkle and be a hopeless romantic, but you have bigger problems than me. You are a chagrining awful poet AND a hopeless romantic, as well as a loser. So aren't you being a little hypocritical, criticising me, when you can't write poetry to save your life? Just think about that for a moment.

Angel: You are even worse, having a bad, twisted case of MPD. I am extremely devoted to the love of my life, Bella, when you are only devoted in killing your girlfriend, the Slayer.

And another thing: you chose a Slayer for a girlfriend? How traitorious. And chagrining. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Drusilla: You are insane. That's all I have to say.

Darla: Stop it with your smart-ss comments. Nobody wants to hear it. My love Bella would never say half the things you do. She's a PROPER lady.

Damon and Stefan: You wear jewellery to go out in the sunlight. Lame.

Darren Shan: You are not even a real vampire, only a half-vampire. And yet everyone wants me out.

Dracula: You're old news. Get off your high horse about it and do something productive.

_Comments:_

_Spike: ... YOU SICKEN ME._

_Angel: Hmm, true. But I'm evil, and that's what matters. :)_

_Drusilla: YOU PISSED OFF DADDY. BAD PUPPY! NO COOKIES FOR YOU._

_Edward: I did not piss off daddy. His comment on this was quite calm._

_Darren: You're not a real vampire either._

_Damon: ^ This. Plus, you have a fat ass._

_Darla: Why were you noticing his ass...?_

_Damon: :P_

_Darla: Anyways, finally, Cullen got something right. I'm smart. :D_

_Edward: PLEASE STOP._

_Dracula: You stop._

_Dracula: Also, I'm censoring the word chagrin. It is now **the word that that prissy-arse vampire uses a lot.**_

_Edward: Just because you don't have a special word...

* * *

_

_Hey, what'd I miss?_

_Posted by: The Master_

So terribly sorry that I could come here sooner. I had something to... attend to... that I'd rather not talk about.

It looks like we have a sad little Anne Rice fanatic who likes going overboard with the body glitter. Please kindly get the fuck out of here. The Order of Aurelius doesn't approve of fairies hacking into a blog for vampires.

You claim that you are a vampire. I'd like to see evidence of that.

_Comments:_

_Dracula: I agree._

_Damon: WOOT!_

_Stefan: Go the Master!_

_Darla: Hey, you're here! What happened?_

_The Master: Um... it's pretty embarrassing... :P_

_Spike: Tell us!_

_The Master: ... I got kidnapped..._

_Damon: Yeaaaaaaaaaah..._

_The Master: By this evil authoress..._

_Angel: Uh-huh..._

_The Master: And she asked me to give my opinion on the couples of our show._

_Darla: ..._

_Damon: ..._

_Stefan: ..._

_Spike: ..._

_Angel: Who was the authoress?_

_The Master: Her name is GemonkDruid, I believe._

_Spike: God, that crazy bint?_

_Angel: She's alright..._

_Damon: She may be crazy, but she's epic!_

_Spike: She claimed that she was going to marry me on December 19th, along with a couple of other birds off their rocker. But instead of me, they're marrying HP characters._

_Angel: Yeah, but she defends us._

_Stefan: And she likes us._

_Darla: And hates Twilight._

_The Master: But she does ramble on about potatoes. Which is really weird._

_Darla: So... you escaped?_

_The Master: Nope._

_Angel: Then how come you came in contact with us?_

_The Master: I asked her to entertain me. She said no. I asked her again. She said no. She got distracted by snow globes. I hacked into her computer (deleting almost all her files, hehe), searched up "vampire", and was directed here._

_Edward: I am so a vampire!_

_The Master: Fail troll is fail. Give us some reasons._

_Edward: Fine!

* * *

_

_I AM a vampire_

_Posted by: Edward_

I, Edward Cullen, am a vampire. I suck blood, avoid sunlight, have pale skin, am super fast and strong, and can live forever. I can be harmed by fire and beheading, just like a vampire!

I'll bring backup, and you'll see that the Cullens are awesome, and you are not.

_Comments:_

_Spike: Can't **potato **wait._


	3. More Sparkles

**A/N: Hola mi lovelies!**

**So sorry I haven't updated in a while. But I had an excuse. I was ON HOLIDAY! *awesome guitar solo thingy***

**So please enjoy the following chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I am not Joss Whedon, Bram Stoker, L.J. Smith, or Darren Shan. I do not own Blogger either. I am also not J.K. Rowling either, or Fall Out Boy (they broke up *sniffle*), and I'm DEFINITELY not Meyer.  
**

**

* * *

**

_I'm back!_

_Posted by: Angel_

So my high/perfectly happy mode has gone. So in Spike's words, the broody poof is back! (God, I never thought I would be happy to say that!)

_Comments:_

_Darla: But not too happy. :D_

_Angel: True._

_Drusilla: No! Daddy is gone! Miss Edith disapproves of this.

* * *

_

_No sign..._

_Posted by: Spike_

... of Cullen anywhere.

You think he's gone? For good?

He said he'd be back with backup, but I seriously doubt that would happen.

He thought he was awesome too. Poor messed-up bugger.

_Comments:_

_The Master: THIS.

* * *

_

_This is totally random, but..._

_Posted by: Angel_

I have a doppelganger. An older, chubbier doppelganger.

... AGENT BOOTH.

Seriously, haven't you seen Bones? He looks like me! He even has the same voice and the same Angelus smile! And he's a detective... well, FBI agent too! And he kicks ass too!

_Re: This is totally random, but..._

_Posted by Spike_

My doppelganger beats your doppelganger, peaches.

_Comments:_

_Angel: Oh yeah? Who's your doppelganger?_

_Spike: John Hart from Torchwood._

_Angel: What? He doesn't even look like you. He has normal, non-radioactive hair._

_Spike: It's all in the face, moron. And he has my head-tilt._

_Angel: But Booth pwns all!_

_Spike: But you are a poof and your opinion doesn't count!_

_Darla: ... Torchwood is an anagram of Doctor Who._

_Angel: Booth has a gun._

_Spike: Hart is British. Pwned.

* * *

_

_Bored..._

_Posted by: Darla_

I'm so bored. At least when Cullen was here it was fun bashing him.

... Who wants to go troll with me on the Werewolf blog?

_Comments:_

_Drusilla: MEEEEEEEEE!_

_Spike: Sure, why not?_

_Angel: Yes! Let's go!_

**_Meanwhile, on the werewolf blog...

* * *

_**

_Has anyone here seen or read..._

_Posted by: Remus Lupin_

Twilight. It's an abomination to werewolves and literature. It has purple prose, absolutely no plotline, and is a waste of our time.

_Comments:_

_Greyback: I read it. It was such a FAIL! I mean, first Meyer practically castrates all our legends and mythology, then she decides in Breaking Dawn that they're not werewolves, they're shapeshifters! I mean, really, it's as if we're not good enough for her damned books!

* * *

_

_Team vampires!_

_Posted by: Darla_

Vampires are better than werewolves! There is no "Buffy the Werewolf Slayer" or "Werewolf Diaries" or "Werewolf Academy", is there?

_Comments:_

_Nina: Troll._

_Remus: Yes, quite true, but there is no vampire professor in Harry Potter, or a "Vamp-Man"._

_Greyback: Or a sarcastic rocker vampire._

_Spike: Actually, that title belongs to me._

_Greyback: Oh, right. :P_

_Angel: VAMPIRES RULE!_

_Drusilla: We are better, the stars told me._

**_Back onto the vampire blog...

* * *

_**

_Oh gosh..._

_Posted by: Darla_

That was soooooo fun! We should troll the fairy blog sometime, or the demigod blog. Or even troll the _troll_ blog. That would be so hilarious!

* * *

_I'm back!_

_Posted by: Edward_

I'm back! You thought I wouldn't come back, but I did, so ha!

I'd also like to introduce a couple of new vampires. I have known them for a very long time, and think that they are even more vampire than _moi_ here. So give it up for the Cullens!

Now, just in case you haven't read our beloved biography, the Twilight Saga, I'll give you a summary of us _real vampires_:

Carlisle: The head of the family, and a very wise man. Also, he rocks the blonde hair better than you, Spike.

Esme: Sweet, caring, epitome of a vampire, with all the kindness of a mother. Hahaha, and you died before you could even hold your son, Darla.

Emmett: The best fake brother I could have, and good at catching meals too. Instead of Angel, that lowlife, who steals blood bags from the hospital. *snort* Honestly.

Jasper: Ditto about the great brother bit, and he can control your emotions better than... well, something. Take that, Drusilla!

Alice: The best chess player, other than me, of course. And she can see the future. Take that again, Drusilla!

Rosalie: Well... she's nice. Sometimes... not really. Hey, she's better than... okay, well... I have nothing to say for Rosalie. :P

So face the wrath of the Cullens!

_Comments:_

_Darla: ... Aw, crap._

_Spike: What the fuck is this?_

_Angel: Okay, Cullen, you're going down!_

_Damon: We're going down, down in an earlier round!_

_Stefan: And sugar, we're going down swinging!_

_Damon: I'll be your number one with the bullet!_

_Emmett: A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it!_

_Edward: ...?_

_Emmett: What? It's a good song._

_Darla: Hehe, cock._

_The Master: Shut it Darla, GemonkDruid told me this fic was rated T!_

_Darla: Fic?_

_Angel: Fic? What fic?_

_The Master: Um... nothing... :L_

_Alice: OMG haiiiiiii! So I guess you're the enemy. But we can still be friends, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight? And I think Angel is kind of cute... :)_

_Spike: Oi, hands off, twig._

_Alice: Then again, Spike is also quite hot. :)_

_Angel: GET AWAY FROM HIM, BITC- I mean, uh, nothing._

_Rosalie: Edward Masen Cullen! You edit that post right now! I refuse to be put down by your bitchy attitude._

_Darla: ... I think you and I are going to be great friends... :D_

_Rosalie: Agreed. :D_

_Carlisle: She has a point, Edward._

_Esme: Who wants cookies? Oh, wait, we're all vampires here. Woops. :)_

_Drusilla: Mommy doesn't want to take it. MISS EDITH TOLD ME NOT TO! :'(_

_Spike: Don't worry, Dru. We'll fix this.

* * *

_

_So... what do we do?_

_Posted by: Angel_

Frankly, I want to end this now, before _they _even start.

And I very well know they're watching, Spike, so you can shut your mouth. :(

_Comments:_

_Damon: I don't know what to do._

_Darla: I don't know what we can do._

_Spike: Don't worry, I have a plan._

_Angel: What?_

_Spike: Remember the girl that kidnapped the Master?_

_The Master: I prefer the term "unwillingly kept in her house"._

_Spike: WHATEVER! GemonkDruid, right?_

_Stefan: Yeaaaaaah? Why?_

_Spike: She likes us, right?_

_Darla: Yuuuup. :P_

_Spike: And she hates Twilight, right?_

_Angel: Where is this going...?_

_Spike: Aaaaaaaaaaaand she's fucking crazy, right? A bit fearless too, considering that she kidnapped a master vampire._

_The Master: UNWILLINGLY KEPT IN HER HOUSE._

_Spike: We could send her an invite to this blog..._

_Damon: But she's not a vampire._

_Spike: Neither are the Cullens._

_Damon: Eh, true._

_Spike: So we invite her, we stand back while she fights the Cullens. Perfect idea!_

_Darren: This is going to be a very long week..._

_

* * *

_**A/N: DUN DUN DUN!**

**Yes, I shall be starring in my own fic. Very lame, I know, but my friend said it was a good idea! :C  
**


End file.
